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I am Ravi…I am around 26. At least that is what my ration card says..!! I do not know to read or write like you, who are reading my story or the one who has written it. However that does not mean that I cannot think or feel. I think as much as you do; more or less. What difference will my thoughts make what so ever..!!
I still remember those days, my childhood, particularly that night when I am sitting by the fireplace, watching mother cook. The way fire danced in the darkness is amazing me. There is certain anxiousness, anticipation & fear in my mind mixed with intoxicating aroma of boiling fish curry, increasing in intensity with every passing minute. I can imagine him entering the house any minute now, his red eyes & cruel face. Once he enters, what follows is shocking. I pray to god that he should be in good mood today. What if he comes & sits beside me for a change, watching the graceful dance of fire readily erasing darkness. What if he also savors the heavenly aroma of gravy, which has started to make random sounds now; occasionally patting me, smiling at my mother? God never listens to me.
I want to stop him, wherever he is, right now. I cannot. I am too scared of him. I want to shut my eyes, ears & mind off, I cannot. He is right in front of me, staring at me. It’s too painful, He is so powerful. He shouts loudly. “You guys are good for nothing”. We both, me & my mother, should have done something terribly wrong to deserve all this shouting & beatings. He could have at least spared fish curry. I am so hungry & it seemed so tasty. I should have eaten sooner. What do I do now..?? Shall I run away somewhere, where there is no him..?? No, It’s so dark & I am too scared to go anywhere without mother. I want to be with her. He is still drinking from the bottle. What is in there must be something out of this world. Someone so big & all powerful like my father likes it. I should find out what it is. It might make me powerful too. The picture of them fighting is getting blurred. My eyes seem to be closing. When I open my eyes I am alarmed to see his face near me. Thank god he’s asleep. I close my eyes again & wait for the sleep to overtake the hunger.
I woke up at 6 in the morning & shouted at my wife to get breakfast soon. My factory owner would already be waiting with questioning face & impatient posture. He will say I am late by 15 minutes. It’s all her fault. She should have woken me up sooner. She cannot even cook a decent breakfast in time. These women, they are good for nothing. My son, he is still sleeping. I look at him for a second impatiently. I hurriedly eat & leave for factory. Today there will be three loads of granite, to be unloaded in the morning. I do not mind all this work but why does this owner find one or the other thing to blame me. Whatever I do is not good enough. May be I should shut my ears & do whatever I please or maybe I should run away and find another factory. I want to tell him that it hurts. I want to tell him that I am trying but he is so powerful & I am good for nothing. How can I talk to him that way? As the evening falls I have started to mull over the good time I am going to have. I touch my pocket umpteen times & get restless. The picture of Nandini bar is dancing in my eyes. Finally this tyrant of the owner relieved me. I rush to Nandini bar, strait to my liberator.
It seems to be dark. I am really hungry. Now I will have to go home & see faces of this evil woman who cannot do anything right & this good for nothing kid. I struggle so much with this monster of the owner & this lady, look at her guts, she forbids me even from having good time. What does she know about the way I am belittled at work? What if she too works in a factory? I know, it cannot be that hard for her. I have the meanest boss, most thankless job & worst possible wife. On top, this son of mine hides behind her with tears in his eyes, cannot stand & face the situation, like a man. Let me go home & teach them a lesson.
Now, who says I cannot think. I do. Who says I cannot feel. I certainly do. However I refuse to come out of my loop & think. I refuse to recognize my feelings & act. I refuse to listen to myself. It seems too scary to step out.
I refuse to change…..One day, I will..!!
Photo Credit : http://www.graceinchrist.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/reflection.jpg